My One Liners!!!!!
One Liners At Work

It is my fondest hope that you are reading these while you should be working.   Isn't that what the net's really about anyways?   Sort of a place to go 'researching' while you should be getting stuff done!

You can name your own salary here - I like to call mine Fred.
 
Of course I don't look busy.....I did it right the first time!
 
I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by.
 
I don't mind the rat race but I could do with a little more cheese.
 
I have no axe to grind, but I have an ivory letter opener that could use some sharpening.
 
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
 
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
 
I've got to get back to work. When I stop rowing, the slaveship just goes in circles.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
 
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off
 
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 
Never use the words 'Evil Diabolical Plan' on your resume.
Nobody notices what I do, until I don't do it.
 
Not only do I not know what's going on, but I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
 
Note on a door: Out to lunch... if not back by five, out for dinner also.
 
REAL procrastination is watching a hungry bear walk up to you while having a picnic, and not running because hey, you've got the rest of your life.
 
Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
 
Sorry I'm late, I'll leave early to make up for it.
 
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
 
The best part about procrastination is that you are never bored, because you have all kinds of things that you should be doing.
 
The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day.
 
There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.
 
There ought to be a better way to start the day than by getting up in the morning.
 
They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.
 
Things could be worse. Suppose your errors were counted and recorded every day like those of a baseball player.
Usually I try to take it one day at a time, but lately several have attacked me at once...
 
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so save some for tomorrow.
 
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like a slacker.
 
Hard work never killed anyone, but why give it a chance?
 
Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all!
 
I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back
 
 
 
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
 
According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.
 
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
 
Another month ends. All targets met. All systems working. All customers satisfied. All staff eagerly enthusiastic. All pigs fed and ready to fly.
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me
 
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
 
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon.
 
Everytime I think I've hit the bottom, someone lends me a shovel.
 
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
 
 
 
I don't mind coming to work, but that eight hour wait to go home is a bitch.
 
Due to the constant fluctuation in customer personalities, we cannot be responsible for the mental stability of any one member of our staff. (Seen in a gas station in Toronto, Ontario, Canada)
 
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're working with turkies.
 
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
 
Remember there's no I in team... (but there is a M and an E)
 
That's Bill for ya, always sharpening his sleeping skills...
 
A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five!
 
A commuter is one who never knows how a movie ends because he has to leave early to catch a train to get him back to the country in time to catch a train to bring him back to the city.
 
 

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