: Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's
starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere.
Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands
and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls
from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a
sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around.
: We've never got friendly. I just wanted to say I hope that can change. I'm nice, I really am, apart from my terrible taste
in pie. And it would be great if we could be friends.
: I'll just be hanging round the mistletoe, hoping to be kissed.
: I'm on Shag Highway heading West.
[on sheets of poster board
: With any luck by next year Mark
: I'll be going out with one of these girls.
[pictures of beautiful supermodels
: But for now, let me say Mark
: Without hope or agenda Mark
: Just because it's Christmas Mark
: (And at Christmas you tell the truth) Mark
: To me, you are perfect Mark
: And my wasted heart will love you Mark
: Until you look like this
[picture of mummy
: Merry Christmas
: This must be a very exciting moment for you, fighting for the Christmas number one. How's it looking so far? Billy Mack
: Very bad indeed. Blue are outselling me five to one. But I'm hoping for a late surge. And if I reach number one, I promise
to sing the song stark naked on TV on Christmas Eve. Parky
: Do you mean that? Billy Mack
: Well of course I mean it. Do you want a preview? You old flirt.
[stands in front of Parky and flashes
: *That'll* never make number one!
: Tell me, exactly, how long it is that you've been working here? Sarah
: Two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, what, two hours? Harry
: And how long have you been in love with Karl, our enigmatic chief designer? Sarah
: Ahm, two years, seven months, three days and, I suppose, an hour and thirty minutes. Harry
: I thought as much. Sarah
: Do you think everybody knows? Harry
: Yes. Sarah
: Do you think Karl knows? Harry
: Yes. Sarah
: Oh that is bad news.
: [very proud upon receiving her part for the school nativity play
] I'm the lobster. Karen
: The lobster? Daisy
: Yeah. Karen
: In the nativity play? Daisy
] Yeah, *first* lobster. Karen
: There was more than one lobster present at the birth of Jesus? Daisy
: Hiya kids. Here is an important message from your Uncle Bill. Don't buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them
: Billy, I believe you've brought a prize for our competition winners. Billy Mack
: Yes I have, Ant or Dec. It's a personalized felt tip pen.
[talking about her ex-boyfriend
: He says no one's going to fancy a girl with thighs the size of big tree trunks. Not a nice guy, actually, in the end.
: Right. Goodness. Well, well. You know, being Prime Minister, I could just have him murdered. Natalie
: Thank you, sir. I'll think about it. Prime Minister
: Do. The SAS are absolutely charming. Ruthless trained killers are just a phone call away.
: I am Colin. God of Sex. I'm just on the wrong continent, that's all.
: I realized that Christmas is the time to be with the people you love. Joe
: Right. Billy Mack
: And I realized that as dire chance and fateful cockup would have it, here I am, mid 50s, and without knowing it I've
gone and spent most of my adult life with a chubby employee. And much as it grieves me to say it, it might be that the people
I love is, in fact... you.
: Well, this is a surprise. Ten minutes at Elton John's and you're as gay as a maypole.
: And I'm afraid there's something really wrong, you know. I mean, clearly it's about his mum, but Christ, he might be injecting
heroin into his eyeballs for all I know. Karen
: At the age of eleven? Daniel
: Maybe not his eyeballs, then. Maybe just his veins.
: So, what do you reckon to our new Prime Minister, then? Judy
: I like him. Can't understand why he's not married, though. John
: Oh, you know the type. Married to his job. Either that or gay as a picnic basket.
[on being introduced to Terence, the head of the Downing Street staff
] The Prime Minister
: I had an uncle called Terence once. Hated him. Think he was a pervert. But I very much like the look of you.
: By the way, I feel bad. I never asked you how your love life is going. Daniel
: [mock chuckles
] No. As you know, that was a done deal long ago. Unless, of course, Claudia Schiffer
calls, in which case I want you out of the house straight away, you wee motherless mongrel. Sam
: Oh? Daniel
: No, no, we'll want to have sex in every room. Including yours.
: Watch out America, here comes Colin Frissell!
[pauses and turns, holding his hands out as if describing
a large fish
: [in a much deeper voice
] ... And he's got a big *knob*!
: [radio interview
] ... so if you believe in Christmas, children, like your uncle Billy does, buy my festering
turd of a record...
[having just sung the words "Love is all around me" instead of "Christmas is all around me" yet again
: Oh! Fuck wank bugger shitting arse head and hole!
: Now which doll shall we give Daisy's little friend Emily? The one that looks like a transvestite or the one that looks
like a dominatrix?
[deleted scene; Daniel and Sam are discussing Sam's true love
: Option One: ask her out. Sam
: Impossible. Daniel
: Fair enough. Option Two: become her friend. Sam
: She's the most popular girl in school and she hates boys. Daniel
: Okay. Option Three: kidnap her and keep her tied up in your room until she agrees to marry you. Sam
: It's a route I've considered. Daniel
: And quite rightly rejected on the grounds of... Sam